Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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