Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm bleeding and have questions
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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