Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
