I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
