The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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