Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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