he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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