So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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