dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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