You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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