just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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