Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
