New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
