Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
