I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
