Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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