if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
