My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
