Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
