Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
