Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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