I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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