obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
