My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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