those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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