Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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