If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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