is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
All I want is dick and wine.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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