I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
