and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
