im holly from the hills drunk
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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