Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
