My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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