She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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