His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
