Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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