Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Drunk is not a location!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
