I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
