remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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