he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
