benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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