I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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