I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
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