I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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