he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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