May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
