i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
