how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
