Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
