My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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