Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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