I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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