Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
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My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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