my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
