I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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