do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
what day is it and did you see me today?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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