I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
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I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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