Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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