While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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