Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
