We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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