I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
