It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
