I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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